You've been a sexless, undateable loser for pretty much forever, haven't you? But today's your lucky day! I think I've found your perfect match, and I can't wait to introduce you to...

...My dirty old sneakers! After many years of being worn in rain and shine, on hikes and to dance class, My aromatic sneakers are ready to go to a new home. They're going to be your lovely new girlfriend! You can take them to dinner, introduce them to your friends and family, and behind closed doors...you can take out your untouched degenerate cock and fuck them. Doesn't that sound just perfect, bitc...

You've been a sexless, undateable loser for pretty much forever, haven't you? But today's your lucky day! I think I've found your perfect match, and I can't wait to introduce you to...

...My dirty old sneakers! After many years of being worn in rain and shine, on hikes and to dance class, My aromatic sneakers are ready to go to a new home. They're going to be your lovely new girlfriend! You can take them to dinner, introduce them to your friends and family, and behind closed doors...you can take out your untouched degenerate cock and fuck them. Doesn't that sound just perfect, bitch?

I think I hear wedding bells!

The viewer is assumed to have a penis. Gender neutral.