Oh dear, were you hoping to get some action this summer? Think again. The mystical hot girl summer is not for the likes of you. Once you’re under my lock and key, there’s no release...not that I think you’d have much luck in the dating pool even if you were unlocked. This is the humane choice, really. Sure, you’ll get a little tingle in your trousers imagining all the fun other people are going to be having during their steamy summers, but you’re going to stay in a cage where you belong.

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