When the girls told me you had a crush on me I was like so surprised! I mean I always thought you were kinda cute in that dorky sort of way, but I was sure I had successfully friend-zoned you years ago. But all this time you've been secretly drooling over me? I guess I should be flattered but the truth is I find it a little bit pathetic. Like, you know the kind of guys I go for - strong confident guys - not wimpy dorks like you. The girls think you probably even jerk off to me sometimes. Like jerking off to my Facebook photos or something - it's so gross to even think about it!

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