Oh my god! It's your birthday?! Congrats! Oh, wait. NO ONE FUCKING CARES. You shouldn't get a pat on the back for making it another year. I am not going to give you anything, I am not going to be nice, I am not making this special. But for a loser like you there's one way to celebrate.

You will need a candle and an un-iced candle. You are going to be a candle holder, your ass will hold onto that candle as you allow it to drip onto you. Hopefully it will drip all over your balls, really making it painful.

But don't worry! I didn't forget about that cupcake. You're going to ... Show more