Now that your parental and I are officially married, I'm going to be making some changes. Changes that I'm sure will improve the quality of life for everyone. I've been watching you and you seem to be failing at this whole "heterosexual man" thing. Miserably actually. It's hard to watch. So it stops here. After today you're going to be living life as something I KNOW you'll succeed as. you'll feel and look your best. Put yourself to great use. your destiny is calling and you're going to answer the phone. I'm making you gay.