I probably look familiar to you. I'm your guidance counselor from high school and I have a message for you: you're a failure. All those hopes and dreams you had back in school never came true. In fact, the opposite happened; you're fat, you're not married, you're in a cubicle taking orders from alpha men all day... I could go on forever. Honestly, I had a feeling this would happen. I took one look at you years ago and I just knew you would be a failure. Looks like I was right!