Dressed in my Police Woman’s uniform I stop you and advise you that I am arresting you on suspicion of having a tiny penis. I read you your rights and advise you why you have been arrested as anyone having a penis under 5 inches must be registered on the national database and as you are well under the required size then you need to be arrested.

I threaten to cuff you when you won’t cooperate, but you swiftly change your mind. As you’ve decided to cooperate then I will need to inspect you and tell you to drop your trousers and pants as I pull out my tape measure.

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