Get in here young man. I know that you’ve been a foul, little self-polluter. Touching your little pecker every night. This is the last night. The last time that you ever touch yourself. Right now you’re going to do it right in front of your Mum. Go on. Oh, you look so embarrassed. So humiliated. Make it count. This is the last time. I’m keeping you on a very, very short leash. I’m going to duct tape up those little hands every night to stop those nocturnal emissions. You disgust me.

A strict talking to by Mum.