Now that we're going to be married, things are going to rapidly change for you. I expect my husband to weigh twice my weight. I will accept nothing less than you becoming a living lard storage tank. I need you bloated, breathless, and barely mobile. Less of a husband and more of a hus-hog. When we waddle down that aisle, remember what you're actually saying—I do too, my love.

Now that we're going to be married, things are going to rapidly change for you. I expect my husband to weigh twice my weight. I will accept nothing less than you becoming a living lard storage tank. I need you bloated, breathless, and barely mobile. Less of a husband and more of a hus-hog. When we waddle down that aisle, remember what you're actually saying—I do too, my love.