No way!! You're really a virgin? You mean you've never EVER had sex with a woman... or ANYONE?!? Oh, my gosh! NOW, everything makes sense! Yes, I understand it all now... the weird way you dress, how funny you act when you're around women, and why you even shy away when we're hanging out and I'm in my bathing suit! You poor, poor thing. What?! You've never even been on a date? Don't even know how to put on a condom?? Oh, that's hilarious! I can't stop laughing! Do you even know how to masturbate??

love,
Tara