I know you just spent tons of money on me and you can't really afford to be maxing out so many credit cards right now, but there's really something you should know... I realize you're completely infatuated with me, but you're totally in the friendzone. I wouldn't even really call it the friend zone, more like the cuck zone. You didn't honestly think I was spending all this time with you for anything but your spoils, did you? We've never even fooled around and that will never happen. I need a REAL man to please me.

And I want you to watch me blow a real man, loser.

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