You're never going to evolve from this, deny it and you fall even harder, hide and when you crawl back you're an even weaker mess, it only repeats. Breaking the cycle is just another part of it, it is optional, but it is there. You will learn to accept that as an addict, you can only accept the cycle and repeat it: ache, stroke, edge, pay and repeat. You're chained by your own nature, inferior and mindlessly weak, with the most desperate urge to get weaker...